[MARATHON #274 / UNIQUE MARATHON #168 / 6 October 2024]
Between Comrades and Two Oceans, I have spent a lot of time this year writing about clowns. You could say I was acquiring a severe case of coulrophobia – which is of course the fear of clowns. However, I seem to have developed a unique strain called antici-coulrophobia – which is a fear about what the aforementioned clowns will do or say next (and then I have to spend a great deal of time writing about it).
Fortunately, I was confident that I could find a 100% successful cure for extreme antici-coulrophobia by facing my fears head on and self-medicating at the clown-themed MadMac Marathon. The theme was chosen as the race venue is the site of the old Boswell Wilkie Circus in Randvaal and there is still plenty of circus apparatus and remnants of the now defunct circus around.
Although Midvaal is far from Sandton in spirit, it is close by car – just 40 minutes and, with plenty of parking at the old show grounds, this makes it one of the most accessible races in Gauteng. I drove Julian who had run the Shikhumba Marathon the previous day near Giyani and needed to rest his back before running another back-to-back marathon. Julian likes to run back-to-back marathons and then cyberbullies those of us who prefer to have at least one beer drinking day a weekend (as you can see from the video below sent to me by Casious Nkuna who was supporting along the route).
After collecting my race number and goodie bag, I noticed that the Disaster Management and Emergency Response team were ready for all eventualities should the proverbial hit the fan with a single fire extinguisher and a couple of hundred rolls of toilet paper.
I was very interested to see that in the Midvaal you can buy ‘Virgin’ toilet paper which is apparently more expensive than the ‘only used once’ variety (I am assured they make sure that the pre-used packs have only been used on one side).
We set off at exactly 6am and the starting cannon fired a few seconds later – which gave everyone who was still a little drowsy a good jump start (I think they missed a trick and should have fired a clown out of a cannon).
Below is a detailed route description. For those not fluent in mime, read on…
The route comprises a number of panhandles (with the pan included). The first 5km starts your first pan before crossing the Henley on Klip River over a 10km out-and-back stretch due east. You then complete the pan with another 6km to the halfway mark which is back at the finish. It seemed that this routing caused a high dropout rate as many marathoners called it a day here. They missed out on all the fun.
The first half is flat and easy and provided nice cool running conditions. However, the second half is full of banana peels and pie tossing. There are three hills on the second half. The first was named by local cyclists and is called ‘Heartbreak Hill’. It is a steady 80m elevated pull over 4km. When considering hill names, one should bear in mind that cyclists are wimps. It’s actually not that bad – if the hill was originally named by runners it would be called ‘Heartrate Mildly Elevated Hill’.
The second hill is up the appropriately named Cross Road – and some ‘anger management’ was required up this short, sharp 2km stretch with a 50m ascent. Once again, it is appropriate to compare the average cyclists’ tormented description whilst pedalling up Cross Hill – which is ‘@#$%ing livid’ – to that of the average runner plodding to the top – which would be a more sedate ‘mildly irritated’.
The third hill, a 3.5km gentle rise to the 36km mark, does not even have a name but I found this to be the toughest – not because of the elevation but because of the hectic camber in the road (no doubt caused by heavy cyclists). In homage to the most famous hobo clown of all time, I would propose calling this treacherous stretch of slanted tarmac the ‘Charlie Chap-lean Hill’.
The race is organised by Meyerton AC whose members provided the shudder of clowns marshalling along the route. I particularly enjoyed an interaction with an evil clown strategically positioned halfway up the Cross Road Hill.
Evil Clown Marshal: You’re looking good.
Random Runner: How do you lie with a straight face?
Evil Clown Marshal: I’m a politician!
Me: There’s the proof that all politicians are clowns (but not all clowns are politicians).
The attention to detail from Meyerton AC was impressive (an example is the clown poking his head around the race numbers). Although I missed the Stephen King homage on the way out, I was clearly feeling a lot more drained on the way home when I spotted the Pennywise effigy emerging from the sewer.
It’s also good to know that this is one of the cheapest marathons in Gauteng, the Pennywise could enter for just R300 (and get a shirt and a goody bag) and then Poundfoolish pavements for 42.2km! As a side note, it is unlikely that any evil drain dwelling clowns could survive in South Africa – if the rats don’t get them, the raw sewage will.
Whilst Pennywise gets most of the attention, I expect that Ronald McDonald is the clown with the highest kill count. In a related note, there is plenty of A-grade beef to admire along the route (although McDonalds burgers contain very little beef and none of it is A-grade).
Every circus needs a ringmaster and Roland ‘McDoland’ Du Plessis was the perfect man for the job. According to his clubmates, Roland refused to break character before or after the event and has been preparing for the role his whole life.
Roland told me, “The goal was to keep it as fun as possible. The whole theme is built around this.” However, sometimes the joke is on the clowns as the organisers had not picked up that Olympian Cian Oldknow was amongst the entrants – and when Roland spotted her on the start line and message the rest of the club they thought he was trying to make a practical joke. Some people are left red-faced but the Meyerton AC clown posse was left red-nosed.
The second half of the race feels like you are in the countryside, rather than a short distance from central Johannesburg, and most of the scenery is well maintained smallholdings and farms. The road signs in this region warn one to be on the lookout for horses (although this might actually be the warning sign to be on the lookout for souped-up, ‘high horsepower’ cars). I ended up chatting to Peter “Quadzilla” Nasser in the first few kilometres and we ended up running most of the race together. When I found out his company is called ‘Mustang Fencing’ I insisted he pose in front of the road sign below.
This was a serendipitous photograph as it helped to get him an entry to the Chicago Marathon the following weekend. Peter’s wife had got in on the ballot but he didn’t. However, a local tour operator promised that they would get Chicago Marathon packages with a guaranteed entry. On this basis, the Nassers booked flights and accommodation with the operator only to be told at the last minute they didn’t get the Chicago Marathon packages after all.
Norrie Williamson saw my post, asked for the exact details and then contacted the race director (whom Norrie knows from the international work he does). Long story short and Peter and his wife Cindy both added the Chicago Marathon to their running CVs. It really is great to see how the organiser of a marathon major can make a plan for their runners – some of our race organisers could learn a thing or two about customer service.
On that note, I can’t fault the exceptional service we received at the support tables who all provided plenty to eat and drink. Most of the stations were organised by local businesses and gave the runners enthusiastic encouragement as the day wore on. Congratulations must go to Elzana Swanepoel (technical race director), Nicole Steenkamp (race organiser) and the rest of the insane clown posse for pulling off a flawless inaugural marathon.
Roland had told me to lookout for a photo op at the Pendale Factory Shop which, as you can see from the photo below, provides hours of entertainment to the Meyerton AC men during club runs.
Unfortunately I was so excited by the sight of the sausage sign that I did not spot (and eat) the real sausages at the accompanying support table. However, I did later wonder whether the Pen is abbreviated in ‘Pendale’. I am a firm believer in the maxim that the pen is mightier than the sword but I will have to return next year to assess whether my pen is bigger than the Pendale sausage.
Speaking of items of an impressive size and stature, the TyreMart table brought out the Michelin Man to support the runners. I feel a special affinity to the Michelin Man, not just because we share almost the exact same surname, but also because I bore a strong resemblance to his physique before I started running. In the photo below, I am attempting some two-step langarm with him but it looks more like he’s about to smack me upside the head. And with my basic ‘meat and potatoes’ palate, that’s probably the only way I will ever get to see any Michelin stars…
The last section of the route is over a dirt track through a desolate corn field and, after making a sharp right turn, the finish line is in sight. I wondered why they didn’t erect a circus marquee and make us jump through a few fiery hoops before getting our medals – that would certainly make for an intense finish.
After crossing the line, I was immediately greeted by the smiling face of Marius Potgieter from Green Mile AC with a couple of green bottles of beer in hand. Now it takes a lot to distract me from an ice-cold beer after a marathon but the sight below did. The victim assured me he was in no pain but it does look like he’s going to need to buy a 14-cup sports bra for his back.
Marius and I had chatted several times over email but this was the first time we’d met in person. He is also on a journey to run 100 unique marathons – and this was his 31st. Marius seems to have something of a footwear fetish and has been closely monitoring the marathon world record in various items of footwear like Crocs (2h51) and three-inch high heels (5h13). According to ChatGPT, “There are no documented cases of someone running a full marathon specifically in veldskoen shoes”, so Marius is planning to set the benchmark for ‘vellies’ in an upcoming marathon*.
* Which he set at the Jacaranda Marathon in 4h15
The MadMac is the result of a successful partnership between the local municipality and Meyerton AC. After the race I was introduced to Peter Teixeira, the Mayor of Midvaal (unfortunately there is no Mayor of Meyerton although Johannesburg has had ‘ton of mayors’ coming in and out of office recently). I remarked that it was great to see him taking a hands-on role in the day.
I asked Mayor Teixeira what the marathon means for the municipality and his diplomatic reply was, “As an institution, we understand that the significance of this event extends beyond the race itself; it is an opportunity for athletes to experience all that Midvaal has to offer. They can explore the town’s stunning landscapes and enjoy our people’s warm, hospitable nature. We also recognise that when visitors come to our beautiful region, they boost local businesses, which benefit from increased revenue due to the higher foot traffic.”
The Midvaal MadMac Marathon is definitely my favourite marathon in the Vaal Triangle Athletics zone and has the potential to be the best in Gauteng. This year Meyerton AC picked a race date around other events in the province but I expect from next year it will be the other way around as the MadMac quickly becomes the drawcard running event in October. Ringmaster Roland has also promised, “Next year will have lots more props along the road to keep it entertaining.”
Aside from shooting a clown out a cannon at the start and jumping through fiery hoops in the Big Top for an intense finish, here are some other impractical ideas for the Meyerton AC team to implement in future years:
- Have the lead bike be ridden by a clown on a tiny bicycle.
- Have a water cooling station where the H2O is delivered via a water squirting flowers.
- Have a banana peel slip and slide area.
- Train the finish line volunteers to hand over medals by pulling them out from behind each runner’s ear.
- Change the fun run distance to be 3.14km and give everyone a ‘pie in the face’ at the end.
- Give those who pull out at the halfway mark a rubber chicken.
- Have a clown perform tricks outside the Pendale Factory Shop, instead of pulling out a never-ending rope of handkerchiefs he produces a giant sausage.
- Have a ‘slapstick’ (or giant rubber mallet) to whack slow runners and walkers on the head who insist on starting at the front of the field and slow everyone else down.
- Have a prize (suggested prize would be beer) for the runner with the most oversized shoe-to-height ratio (I think this is me with US 12 shoes and not much stature).
- Have a ‘Miscommunication Water Stop’ where the clowns give you beer instead of water.
There were 529 finishers at the inaugural MadMac Marathon and every one of them was treated like a VIP. Roland told me, “It is extremely important for our club that the fastest runner and the slowest runner get equal opportunity and both are just as important.” That’s easy to say but hard to live up to. The race has a very generous 6h30 final cutoff and extra special treatment was given to finisher 529. When word came in that the last runner was approaching, all the remaining club members ran out 500m to go and fetch her and bring her home. I expect that there’ll be a lot more than 529 finishers at the 2025 Midvaal MadMac Marathon but whether you are first or last across the line you can expect the same friendly reception.
Very enjoyable read about what must have been a most enjoyable marathon experience.