Men: Get Your Mitties Out (Saying “No” to Noceanism)

I get a lot of questions via email and direct message but this is one of the most interesting and deserved its own article:

“Dear Running Mann.

Thank you for your awesome blog. I know this is a weird question but I have been having this weird question, that may be a story for your blog. But if it is too trivial or insignificant for a reply or a blog I would understand.

I love to jog shirtless in Limpopo where I live. In my town, Mokopane, I think I am the only person in the afternoon after work to go out and jog under our lovely sun, especially during summer, shirtless, still have pants and shoes on, don’t worry.

Now I have been confronted, nice-ishly, saying I am indecent and this is not a coastal town with by-laws allowing shirtless running. I am a liberal that believes in freedom within the confines of law, and I have asked my partner who has a LLB but they only care about labour law.

I am not sure if this is a myth, like how I heard it is illegal to drive without a shirt… There is a lot of vagueness. My municipal bylaws are not available online but I will still try to get them.

Then there is the Hollard daredevil run where you run in your purple Speedo… I think I am getting off topic, I just want to know if shirtless jogging outside in public, not going into restaurants etc can get you arrested or fined. I thought because I like your blog I might ask you. Sorry if this is outside of your comfort zone and if this email is a bit weird.

Anyway hope you have a lekka day and many more kilos, thanks for your awesome blog.

Cheers

Zan-Pierre”

There are a few things to note here:

1. Flattery gets you everywhere.
2. This is 100% within my comfort zone.
3. Weird is my bread and butter.
4. I am always happy to take a stand against blatant discrimination and prejudice.
5. This looks like a clear cut case of “Noceanism” – why should you only be allowed to run topless at the coast?

On the legal front, I know a guy… so I fired off some questions to Mark Leathers. Mark confirmed that, “There is NO national law preventing it at all. Certain municipalities MAY have bylaws which prevent it, but most certainly none of the major metros. I would advise Zan-Pierre to get hold of a copy of his municipal bylaws, and if they have no prohibition, he is good to go sans shirt.”

This is good news for all those who want to let their top half hang loose and get some sun on their moobs.

Having said that, based on how aesthetically pleasing most men think they look versus how aesthetically pleasing they actually look, I would expect some changes to municipal bylaws in the near future – so I would advise Zan-Pierre and other members of the Brotherhood of the Bare Torso to make the most of your freedom this summer!

On the driving topless question, Mark clarified, “Driving is indeed a contravention if you are shirtless… although strangely women in sports bras are allowed.” I would assume men are also allowed to drive with sports bras but having spent more than enough time writing about braless brahs earlier this year I did not pursue this line of questioning further.

Besides which, ever the ‘trainee feminist’, my mind had already switched to gender equality. Therefore I asked Mark, “As a matter of hypothetical interest, if a woman were to run topless around Sandton would they be entitled to do so without falling foul of the law? Equal rights and all…”

Bad news ladies (and probably for the heterosexual guys as well), Mark’s response was, “Yes and no – SA is rather ‘verkramp’ and it would likely fall foul of the public policy aspect of indecent exposure…”.

If there are any ladies who would like to fight for their right to run topless, I am sure that there are many filmmakers who would be happy to document the journey completely pro bono. I would love to cover the uncovering on this fight for equality but unfortunately my editor-in-chief has vetoed the idea.

This particular article had been sitting on my ideas backlog for a while. Zan-Pierre’s original email came to me some time ago and I had fed him Mark Leathers’ replies at the time. Therefore, as spring has sprung some time ago in Limpopo, I thought I’d check in with Zan-Pierre as to how running topless with full legal coverage was going. He proudly reported back that the movement is growing, “There are now multiple gentlemen I see that started running shirtless in Mokopane now that the heat is coming.”

If there are other men out there looking to go fully convertible with their top down when the sun is out (perhaps a comparison to a 3-ton bakkie with the canopy off is more appropriate for the larger set men) and someone confronts you hostilely questioning “Why are you running without a shirt?” Your simple response should be, “Because it’s way cooler!” (recommended delivery is with a bit of a wink and a well-timed pec pump).

Should you continue to get harassed, I would revert to the Right Said Fred “I’m too sexy…” defense (although being too sweaty for your polyester might be more appropriate). This has the potential to result in a new branch of legislation known as “Moob Justice”.

And for those men who are insecure about their body image: it doesn’t matter how much you wobble, how ungainly your gait or how seepy your sweat – rest assured… you’ll always look cooler than a cyclist!

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