Seychelles Nature Trail (Big Butts & Giant Nuts)

A couple of months ago Paul Ingpen from RUN Magazine asked if I would write the back page article for the next edition of his magazine. I am always happy to do a bit of writing so affirmed. However, it was his subsequent question about whether I’d be interested in joining a media crew on a trip to the Seychelles to cover their trail run that got me really excited.

I did provide full disclosure about my trail running credentials with a reply along the lines of, “I’m not much of a trail runner but for a trip to the Seychelles I don’t mind getting my running shoes dirty!” As with all offers that sound too good to be true, I told myself that I’d only get excited once I had the flight tickets in hand and, as everything is electronic these days, my boarding pass and a glass of champagne in the SAA Platinum Lounge before the flight had to suffice.

Truth be told, I would not have been able to point out the Seychelles on a map beforehand. My knowledge was limited to the Seychelles being a great honeymoon destination, boasting a really cool national flag design and having a really small population. The islands were first inhabited by humans just 250 years ago and, with just 100,000 residents, the Seychelles is officially the smallest of Africa’s 54 countries.

It’s a 5 hour flight from OR Tambo to Mahé, the largest of the 115 islands that make up the archipelago and then was another 30 minute ride to the  Avani+ Barbarons Seychelles Resort where we were staying. Sitting just 4° south of the equator, Mahé has the best weather with the average low being 24 all year round and the highs rarely getting above 30. However, the humidity of 80%+ can be a little oppressive.

We had a good balance of chill time and tourist activities and were treated exceptionally well by the Seychelles Tourism Board. The highlight was a VIP tour of the Takamaka rum distillery complete with a solid bout of day drinking tasting their finest infusions. It’s really impressive that in just two decades they moved from brewing moonshine in a garage to becoming the biggest tourist attraction on the islands as well as the national drink.

After 3 days of eating and drinking, it was fitting that we got going hobbit-style with a double breakfast. One at our hotel who had prepared a special packed breakfast and then again at the start venue – the 5 star Constance Ephelia Resort who put on an elaborate spread for the runners.

There was a pre-race briefing that I mostly missed because I needed to drop some weight before the start. We were then instructed to head outside and line up. A total of 16 nationalities were representing in the 169 entrants for the second Seychelles Nature Trail and, of these, 148 enthusiastically lined up at the start. The start was advertised as 7am but with everyone ready and raring to go we ended up getting our marching orders at 6:57am (I’ve had plenty of late starts but I think this is the first time I’ve been at a race that started early).

The first 4km were easily negotiated rolling hills on tar. I made the most of this runnable section although I did stop for a few photo stops along the way and enjoyed the sights and sea breeze before we entered the trails proper.

The first hill reduced most to a walk but no one was tired enough to take a seat and enjoy the view. The only endemic mammals on the Seychelles are fruit bats so right now there is someone out there who is the biggest mammal on the island. On a related note, in the Seychelles, the correct answer to the “Does my bum look big in these pants?” question is “No, but I do have the perfect chair for you!”

At 4km we started the ‘small’ climb. I realised that trail runners spend a lot of time looking at other people’s butts. Whether this is a perk or a drawback probably depends on who you happen to be running behind. I did commiserate with whoever was directly behind me and was careful to ‘hold my breath’ while ascending. On that note it is strongly advised to give me a minimum 10 second following distance even in the windiest of conditions.

As we were clambering up rockery and granite cliffs, it was appropriate that I had a rock theme playing in my mind – Guns & Roses’ “Welcome to the Jungle” to be specific. The original song is 4m31 long and, if Axl Rose was serenading us as I grappled with the rock face, I would have been less than 250m into the kilometre by the time he finished. When I eventually clocked a 20 minute kilometre with my heart rate well into the 150s, I realised that as a road runner “Patience” would make a much better Guns & Roses trail mix.

The big drawcard of this race is being able to go deep into the indigenous forest, some of which is not normally open to the public. The Seychelles have a stellar conservation record with just under half of the land under formal nature conservation and the second largest marine sanctuary after Norway. The 2019 Forest Landscape Integrity Index gave Seychelles a 10/10 score, the highest ranking from the 172 countries in the study.

As the smallest country in Africa, land reclamation is important in the Seychelles but the forest is quick to claim back anything left unattended. We saw a few ‘tree houses’ during the Seychelles Nature Trail. I also spotted this former car on a training run (my best guess is that it was a Subaru Forester). The final picture is of Eden Island – 56 hectares of reclaimed land where all the rich people live.

A light rain was falling and I had my first tumble on the granite countertop after summitting. Nothing too serious, just a short bum slide. The views of course were spectacular. I am glad that I did not study the route profile too closely beforehand as I had worked pretty hard to get to the top but this is just a little speed bump compared to what was coming up.

Blissfully unaware of what the future held in store, I carefully descended and found myself back at sea level in a picturesque bay and the site of the first of five drinks stations. Looking at the speedboat taxi waiting for its next fare I reflected that if Dr. Seuss had visited the Seychelles he would have written the prose, “You can get there in a boat or if you’re a mountain goat.”

A mountain goat I am not. So I walked most of the next section which was marked as ‘easy’. The scenery was however still fantastic and this is part of a tourist hiking trail so there was a bit of support along the way.

Knowing my limitations as a trail runner, my plan was to run all the non-technical and tarred sections and walk most of the rest. That plan was dashed at the 9km mark when I strained my neck looking up a stretch of tarmac that must have ruined many a gearbox. Over just one kilometre you climb 200m with a gradient of 44% at the steepest points. If you want the Strava kudos in the Seychelles then this would be the segment to own.

At the top there is a water station and then you head back into the jungle for the steep part of the hill. Here there is another 215m of climbing over a solitary kilometre that hits a 50% gradient at points. Your reward for summitting is knowing that you’ve got the half of the race behind you and, quite literally, have one’s head in the clouds.

The next couple of kilometres were advertised as ‘easy forest trails’ and I am pleased to report that there was no false advertising and they were mostly runnable. However, now a new threat appeared in the form of the stilted palm.

Whilst there are no venomous snakes or spiders on the islands, the biggest danger to the wobbly trail runner comes from the trunks of juvenile stilted palms. This is another Seychelles endemic (about 30% of their plant life only occurs on the islands) and is the only species in its genus. The palm produces a porcupine-like layer of spines around its trunk which are at the perfect height for a trail runner looking for something to steady himself on.

I had several encounters with these vicious pricks on top of the mountain. The most spectacular of which was trying to prevent a fall with a round house bitch slap motion that left me with a left hand looking like a pin cushion. My collapsible water bottle shielded me from some of the acupuncture but paid the price for its protective sacrifice.

After showering back at the hotel and removing all the mud, I realised that I still had over half a dozen spinal splinters in my hand. I managed to remove most with some safety pin surgery but I still have a couple of stilt palm souvenirs to show off.

If you are wondering why the stilt palm evolved spikes, it is for protection from predators – most notably the Aldabra giant tortoise. These ancient reptiles have a unique ability to rear up on their hind legs and stretch out their long necks to reach branches over a meter high. At over 170, the oldest known living Aldabra tortoise is Esmeralda. He resides on Bird Island and is the heaviest tortoise on record at just under 300kg.

We saw a couple of Aldabra tortoises when we visited the Takamaka rum distillery. The pair in picture, appropriately named Taka and Maka, are still young and will be released into the wild as soon as they are big enough not to fall prey to feral dogs. I feel great affinity for these tortoises and will claim them as my trail running spirit animal.

We had had some light showers early on in the race which helped to temper the effects of the humidity and by now it was raining heavily. However, in the thick canopy sections within the forest you were completely shielded from the rain and could enjoy the soothing percussion of the thumping drops hitting the foliage above.

Despite the natural awning we could not escape the mud and, being towards the back of the field, the big dogs up front had really churned things up. The top of the mountain was also far from flat, had two decent climbs to get to the highest point at just over 500m and the technical difficulty steadily increased. During one downhill section I noted that I’d done a 24 minute kilometre which mostly involved a scuttling crabwalk on all fours.

These days everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition but it’s the camouflaged figures of the Seychelles army that will catch you by surprise in the forest. As I understand it, their chief weapon is disguise… disguise and an almost fanatical devotion to the slope. OK, I’ll stop there but those familiar with the Monty Python skit will know that the resulting torture involves a session in the comfy chair and I found mine at the next table.

At 17kms you break out of the forest and have the sanctuary of a well-stocked support table to look forward to. By this stage I had acquired a fair amount of shrapnel in my shoes so I was very happy to spot (and spend some time in) the comfy chair to do a quick shake out. This point also produced a welcome return to the tar although it came with some not so welcome hills. It wasn’t long before the route directed us back into the jungle at the final support table at 18km.

It was here that I saw the rather forlorn figure of Mike Eloff. Mikes have traditionally had a hard time in the Seychelles, the most notable of these being ‘Mad’ Mike Hoare and his comical counter coup attempt. The islands gained independence from Britain in 1976 but less than a year later Prime Minister France-Albert René staged a coup d’état ousting President James Mancham while the latter attended a Commonwealth meeting in London.

Hoare, a former mercenary during the Congo Crisis in the early 1960s, was living a more sedate life as a stockbroker and investment manager in the quaint KwaZulu Natal village of Hilton when he decided to come out of retirement and lead ‘Operation Angela’.

The plan, later revealed to be fully backed and orchestrated by the South African government of the time, was for a team of 54 mercenaries to masquerade as vacationing rugby players who were part of a charitable beer drinking club called ‘Ye Ancient Order of Froth-Blowers’. They would conceal the weight of their AK-47s (hidden by false bottoms in their suitcases) by packing their luggage full of bulky kids toys.

A genius plan it wasn’t and after a customs official found one of the hidden AK-47s, a six-hour firefight broke out at the airport resulting in the death of one Seychellois soldier and one mercenary. The battle of Mahé airport was eventually ended when Hoare and his mercenaries hijacked an Air India plane with 13 crew and 65 passengers that was en route from Harare (Salisbury at the time) to Mumbai (Bombay at the time) and had landed to refuel.  

One party rule ended in 1991 and the Seychelles has subsequently emerged as the highest rated electoral democracy in Africa with the highest per capita GDP and the best Human Development Index rating for any African country. Furthermore, it is the least corrupt country in Africa based on the latest Corruption Perception Index report released by Transparency International and boasts the highest literacy rate of any country in sub-Saharan Africa. They are also one of the few African countries that is LGBTQ+ friendly.

I am not sure how long Mike had been sitting there by the time I arrived but when he decided to take a lie down in the road, I suggested the grass verge might be a safer and more comfortable option for a nap. The movement got Mike back on his feet and we decided to tackle the last 4km together.

Mike seemed to regain his composure and be feeling a lot better as we trotted along the runnable sections. He even had the energy to do a quick interview with me about my choice of footwear. However, a closeup of my hairy, mud-caked legs induced a violent bout of projectile vomiting. Trail running is all about giving back to the environment and I can confirm that the lion roared five times and Mike gave back everything he had to the forest.

Although Mike urged me to go ahead, we were still deep in the forest with over 3km to go and I thought I’d better stick with Mike to make sure he survived his jungle fever. Despite the treacherous course, there were just 4 DNFs from 148 starters and Mike had to dig deep to make sure that the South African contingent maintained a clean sheet.

With just over a kilometre to go, the technical terrain was replaced by a smooth concrete track. The finish was now close enough to hear the lyrics from the Creole tunes at the Grande Anse Stadium when Vuyo (another member of our party) flew past us like a rabid fruit bat and I decided it was finally time to ‘drop the Mike’ and start running again.

We were warmly greeted on the finish line by the race organisers and the rest of our contingent, most of whom had time to clean-up with a shower or sea swim already. The ladies did particularly well with Shaundre Jacobs finishing 3^rd overall, Kim Woolrich 4^th and 1^st veteran and Georgina Peters as 2^nd master.

Consensus amongst the authentic trail runners was that this route was a 7/10 on the difficulty scale bumped up to an 8 with the wet, muddy and slippery conditions we had on the day. You have 8.5 hours to complete the challenge making it easily walkable (the winner took just over 2 hours which is mindbogglingly quick given the terrain). The fact that it’s all stunningly beautiful makes the time fly by. Although not advised, I can confirm that you can complete the course in road shoes*.

* Compared to the Dodo in Mauritius as a 10/10, Paul Ingpen felt that the route was a 6/10 possibly dropping to a 5/10 because I completed the course in road shoes. I decided to defer to the judgement and ratings of Shaundre and Kim, our faster runners on the day.

Your race entry includes lunch and a drink which you can enjoy whilst relaxing on a beanbag and comparing battle scars with fellow finishers. The award for most impressive wound of the day from our squadron went to Fitness Magazine Editor Pedro van Gaalen who had a beautiful seeping wound on his shin that will make a good conversation starter for weeks to come (Pedro was ‘running blind’ for most of the race with heavily misted glasses from the rain and humidity).

A big drawcard of this race is that it provides a good challenge for the competitive trail runner but is still a very reasonable prospect for the trail curious and recreational runner. Combining the allure of the Seychelles with a truly unique trail run makes for a great holiday. For those interested, I’d suggest following ACE Travel who will be offering tour packages ahead of next year’s event.

As someone who generally sticks to the road, it was an epic day out on the Seychelles Nature Trail. I normally don’t get out of bed for anything less than a marathon but I am happy to run any distance at any time in the Seychelles. I might even see if there’s a pair of trail shoes out there that suit my big flat feet.

Afterword

Hi, my name’s Stuart and I’d like to talk to you about giant nuts… Weighing in at 30kg, the coco de mer holds the Guinness World Record as the largest fruit, largest seed and heaviest nut in the plant kingdom. It is endemic to the Seychelles and is found on just two of the islands.

The name means ‘coconut of the sea’ because in ancient times the giant seeds would occasionally wash ashore thousands of miles away in the Maldives, India and Sri Lanka and people thought the plant producing the mysterious fruit grew under the ocean. In those times the coco de mer was traded by royalty and aristocrats and worth more than gold.

The coco de mer looks like a voluptuous pair of buttocks, is also known as the “love nut” and appears on everything from the Seychelles coat of arms to our race medals. The fruit is edible and is revered as both a delicacy and as an aphrodisiac. The male palm produces long, phallic catkins about a meter long giving rise to the myth that the trees would mate on dark and stormy nights.

On that note, it’s worth pointing out that testicular cancer is the most common cancer found in young men aged 15 – 35. The largest testicular tumor ever removed was over 5kg. Testicular cancer is highly treatable, especially if found early. It is recommended to do a monthly check for bumps and lumps (you can always ask a friend for help). Follow Love Your Nuts for more great advice and fantesticle puns.

Thanks to Paul Ingpen for taking the photos. My daughters asked, “Did the photographer have to have therapy afterwards?” and also threatened to “Cancel me on the internet” if I posted photos of myself in a Speedo. I pointed out that if it were not for this high quality product they would not be here! 😊

After the Afterword: Looking Good in a Speedo

I thought I’d give everyone in our party who ran the trail a mention. There’s still one person missing. Although I considered segueing the Gunn in Sean Gunn to the counter-coup at Mahé airport, I thought it more appropriate that he followed my Speedo photoshoot. As an Olympian swimmer, Sean is a lot more comfortable (and photogenic) in a Speedo than I am.

Sean swam in the 100m freestyle event at the 2016 Rio Olympics. Although he did not progress to the final, he did break the Zimbabwean national record. I am planning to write an article on non-track Olympians who’ve run Comrades – the only other Olympian-Comrades double that I know of is Shaun Keeling (who won a rowing silver at the men’s coxless pairs in 2016). I am sure that there are others – if you know, let me know!

One final word of caution: You have to be extra careful about not using Sean’s surname when departing the Seychelles.

Thanks

With much thanks to Roland and Celine from Big Ambitions, Tourism Seychelles, Air Seychelles and Avani+ Barbarans Seychelles for putting this trip together and for the incredible hospitality we were shown. Thanks should also go to Paul Ingpen from Run! Mag for putting my name forward and having faith in my GT-2000s.

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