AI to replace qualifiers at 2027 Comrades & Two Oceans Marathons

[For anyone late to the party, this article was published on 1 April as an April Fool’s joke – but it does provide a satirical commentary on the South African road running scene.]

In a joint statement, Comrades and Two Oceans announced that they would be doing away with qualification marathons and the need for South African athletes to qualify at their respective 2027 events. International athletes would still need to submit a qualifier. This comes after the announcement of a new AI running database called KONA (an acronym for Knowledge Of National Athletes) that has been “fully tested and implemented”.

AI KONA’s engine will automatically evaluate results databases and Strava profiles to determine which athletes are most likely to finish each race and will automatically select those athletes in the ballot system. The developers believe that the system is over 99.9% accurate at predicting whether or not a specific runner will finish within the cutoff time.

Both Comrades and Two Oceans will use KONA in their ballot systems to determine who will be allowed to enter and start the world’s two largest and most prestigious ultra marathons. With questions around how Comrades was going to determine who would be allowed to run their 100^th event, KONA has come at just the right time. Said one insider, “It was always going to be a lottery as to who was allowed to run. We saw how people reacted to the Two Oceans ballot system and we didn’t want to get blamed for a supply and demand problem – KONA takes that problem away. Now if you don’t get in, you can only blame the computers.”

Another prominent stakeholder said, “There’s been a big debate about fastest finger versus the ballot system. This solution allows fastest footwork to take priority.”

According to the developers, it is important that prospective entrants have a Strava profile and keep it up to date. When asked whether this was fair, a KONA spokesman said, “Runners all know that if it’s not on Strava it didn’t happen so if they don’t upload their runs or have a Strava profile then they only have themselves to blame.”

Gayton McKenzie was ecstatic when asked for comment, “We don’t have VAR or clean drinking water in South Africa but we are leading the world in AI running technology.” However, he was less enthusiastic when KONA evaluated the Minister of Sports’ own training performance, suggesting that he was not quite fit enough to do the 1km Nappy Dash at next year’s Two Oceans. He then joked, “I am probably better at running away from my responsibilities than doing any actual running.”

ASA were slightly more ambivalent stating, “We really don’t care about this matter specifically or athletics in general. As long as we get our 15% entry fee cut, races can do whatever they like. Our President has a new girlfriend with expensive tastes and our acting CEO needs to do some more renovations on his house.”

A special “rather do the half marathon” algorithm has been developed for Two Oceans and is in beta testing. According to insiders, there are some concerns because when it was applied to the 2026 ultra marathon entrants, it only suggested downgrades for a large number of male participants.

The algorithm is intelligent enough to continually evaluate entrants’ training patterns and will provide alerts if runners start slacking off. Asked whether rumours that Two Oceans would start to automatically apply downgrades from the ultra to the half marathon for lazy runners who run a marathon and then take it easy, the response was “That’s something we’re looking at but no decision has been made yet.”

However, Comrades confirmed that they would remove and replace entrants who are not training hard enough. “We don’t want anyone arriving at the start line with Temu fitness,” said a spokesman.

Both Comrades and Two Oceans have stated that they are “Embracing technology to the fullest” and will be looking for other areas where KONA could be applied. One of these applications aims to save thousands of help desk person hours per year by identifying and removing runners that ask stupid questions on Facebook groups whose answers would have been more easily found with a simple Google search.

Another is to identify selfish runners who insist on lining up right at the front of races but run at a sedentary pace inconveniencing the rest of the field. “We call this the BFF – or Big Fat Truck – module and those guilty of this selfish habit will automatically be seeded in the last batch.”

The system can also be used to vet and detect fraudulent applications to stand for election to the board of directors at each race. In recent years we’ve seen some wild claims that undocumented “compilations of my own races run and accomplishments, which include events, personal training, endurance runs and self-led challenges.” can be used to claim ultra marathon finishes. KONA said, “We don’t want anyone else to get cavanaghed and this functionality alone is expected to save millions of rands in reputational damage and lost sponsorships.”

One final feature of KONA is a biometric health and safety early warning system. Apparently, in extreme cases, when KONA detects that intensive cardiovascular fitness activities like running are not suitable or are just too difficult for an entrant, it will recommend that they take up cycling instead.

For more information please contact aikona.wena@isisile.com

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